This is just the best of what the comedy world has been tweeting about during the last week. Is it topical or relevant? Not really. Is it funny? Most definitely.

@erockappel Hi, I just met you and now we’re Facebook friends and I can now look at EVERY PICTURE OF YOU EVER! AND I AM GOING TO!

@natashaleggero American Idol without Paula Abdul is like martinis without cocaine.

@danecook I no longer reheat leftovers. I reboot them w/ an updated side dish, a fresh beverage & few unexpected condiments.

@ConanOBrien Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me.

@mattiseman My backyard is under attack by feral cats. Tried cayenne pepper, looks like they’re Cajun cats. Contemplating land mines now. Or a dragon.

@ScottAukerman A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single question: “I wonder if that girl will have sex with me?”