This is just the best of what the comedy world has been tweeting about during the last week. Is it topical or relevant? Not really. Is it funny? Most definitely.

@nerdist Feels weird pulling up to hippie grocery store in an Escalade. It’s not my fault! Environmentally friendly car I rented 1st smelled like pee

@ChristFinnegan Just ate a meal that, like my wife, was waaaay too good for me. I worried my blackened tuna tacos would break up with me mid-bite.

@EugeneMirman Not sure how to deter people from contacting aliens. I’m liberal, but I’m not blind to the dangers of a space invasion.

@pauldanke I wanna do a show where me and Bill Clinton drive around the US flirting with waitresses and doing every food eating contest in the country

@ConanOBrien Today my tour takes me to San Diego. San Diego is Spanish for “You Can Attend College Classes Without a Shirt.”