This is just the best of what the comedy world has been tweeting about during the last week. Is it topical or relevant? Not really. Is it funny? Most definitely.

@DavidSpade i just tried to do power pilates. but it was more like a supervised nap. :(

@boburnham If you’re saying no to drugs, like literally yelling “NO!” at a bag of weed, you’re probably really really high.

@mrdavehill I don’t know why everyone says you should never combine bleach and ammonia. It seems to me that everything is jasdfaaa;sdffjjee9[0opk’l;lll

@SarahKSilverman I would love to hear about your Pyrimid and Ponzi opportunities! I’ve heard only good things!

@azizansari Hey guys, lost my iPhone recently. Has a camera on front & is a little slimmer. Need it back ASAP, in some deep shit. Thx.