This is just the best of what the comedy world has been tweeting about during the last week. Is it topical or relevant? Not really. Is it funny? Most definitely.

@braunger I haven’t been to the gym since last Wednesday, but I LOOK like I haven’t been to the gym since last 8th grade.

@kylekinane Just shampooed a carpet and felt quite proud of the feat, as if few men had accomplished it before. Then I remembered there are astronauts.

@kareydornetto I just made an ashtray out of tin foil and then turned it into a ball. What did you do today?

@danecook 2day is Beautiful on the Inside Day. Celebrate it by getting plastic surgery so you never have to celebrate it again.

@rustyrockets Dear Mum, sorry I’ve not called, prison not going well. Gaga always on the phone. Send cigarettes she won’t let anyone smoke her glasses.